Alone

All of the singles girls’ blogs that I used to read have turned into dating blogs. Or married blogs. Or happily ever after blogs.

I’m happy for each of them. Really. And I myself am in a committed relationship now so I can’t be hypocritical.

But every time I read a new post I can’t help but feeling abandoned. “How could you desert me like this? How could you change so much?” I think. Weren’t we those cynical girls who kept searching but never really thought we’d find love? And now you’ve gone off and found it. You’ve gone and grown up and I’m stuck here feeling nauseous at the thought of losing myself to another person.

I bawled as we packed up my apartment and moved everything to his house and into storage at my mom’s house. “This is the end!” I cried as he argued that wasn’t this actually the beginning? “No, it’s the end of my life as I know it. The best years of my life are gone and I’ll never be single again.” These probably aren’t the words you want to hear your girlfriend say on the day she moves in with you, but those are the words that were said and felt.

The girl with the wedding planning obsession gets sick when he mentions marriage. “I’m too young!” I cry out. “You’re almost 26,” he responds. I still feel like I’m in college. I can’t get married and have babies, I think. There’s too much to do with my life. Marriage sounds like a death sentence now.

I don’t know what the problem is. If it’s me or him or us or if I’m just plain not ready. But when you find the right person, aren’t you always ready?